Little Indignities
by mimine
Summary: Snape is hit by the Hermaphroditus curse and finds himself with a bun in his oven. Now what? Inspired by Jay Kay's In a delicate way


Title: Little Indignities (inspired by and unofficial sequel to Jay Kay's In a delicate way)  
  
Author: Mimi (mimine101@hotmail.com)  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Archive: Sure, just ask first, I'm sure I won't say no.  
  
Feedback: Keeps me going  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not just the characters, in this case I don't even own much of the plot!(snif) Written for fun, not profit.  
  
  
  
"Pregnant?" Snape repeated uncomprehendingly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"This is not possible."  
  
"Nevertheless, it is true."  
  
"You don't understand. I didn't do anything! With anyone! Unless…" He sat on the bed heavily staring at his laced fingers.  
  
"Unless what?"  
  
"Well, I had a… a wet dream." He looked up. "It couldn't be…"  
  
"Sperm is very persistent… It's possible that some of it found its way…"  
  
The Potion's Master buried his face in his hands with a groan.  
  
Pomfrey placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He worried her with how much time he let pass before he shook it off.  
  
His voice was muffled. "What sort of anomaly of nature will this child be?"  
  
"Severus," the mediwitch started softly, using the same tone of voice she had used to hundreds of tearful teenage girls over the years, "you do have a choice, you know…" He looked up at her sharply. "At this stage the procedure is simple and painless and I know that you are familiar with the potion involved…"  
  
Severus snorted. "It's considered to be the most ancient potion known to man," he said absent-mindedly.  
  
Pomfrey nodded.  
  
"Does the batch I made for you last summer still hold?" he asked raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yes." She paused. "Would you like to take some now?" She asked him in the gentlest voice she owned.  
  
"No!" he said gruffly. "I have a class in five minutes." He rubbed on his forehead. "Has this sort of thing happened before?"  
  
"I need to do some research before I can give you an answer. Could you come tomorrow at the same time?"  
  
The next morning Severus got up convinced that it had all been nothing but a rather silly dream. A look at himself in the bathroom left no doubts. He sat to pee with a sigh. Being closer to his bladder, his female set had usurped that function. He wished someone would have told him before he had wet his pants, the first time before he hadn't known, the other two because he had forgotten.  
  
A very grim Potions Master entered the Infirmary. After a few unsuccessful attempts to engage him in small talk Madam Pomfrey got the point of his visit.  
  
"This is a very rare occurrence," she began softly. "I found mentions of no more than two instances when it has happened and only in one the child had been born."  
  
"A monster?"  
  
"No. Apparently, the child having gotten genetic information from only one parent was… for lack of a better word, the exact copy of that parent."  
  
Severus' hand went to his taut stomach. He frowned. "Is this some sort of joke?"  
  
"I wouldn't joke about something so serious, Severus," she said, staring sadly at the hand that was still resting protectively over his midsection.  
  
He sensed her eyes and took away his hand. He crossed his arms in front of his chest.  
  
The mediwitch took a deep breath. The rest of what she had to say was not easy. "That child was born in mid 19th century. The case was documented and the child did indeed grow up to look exactly like his father. The circumstances of the conception were investigated and found to be rather suspect. It is quite possible that the wizard in question had wanted to create… himself again."  
  
"Was he punished?"  
  
"There was no precedent… no law to forbid what he did…"  
  
Severus narrowed his eyes. "What you're saying is that there was no law then."  
  
She nodded. "Even though the chances of this asexual reproduction are incredibly slim, a provision has been made." She avoided his eyes.  
  
"It is illegal, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes. Asexual reproduction is illegal, no matter how it came about."  
  
"How can anyone prove that it was asexual?"  
  
Pomfrey blinked hard. "I don't know of any scientific method," she admitted staring at him with bewilderment. "It is so rare that I don't think there has been much research in the field. I believe Muggle science has gotten to a point where perhaps… I mean, I haven't been following developments very closely but it's possible that Muggles have found a way to know for sure. There has been quite a bit of excitement over a sheep, I think."  
  
"A sheep?"  
  
"Well, don't look at me like that, Severus! I don't have the time or the energy to keep up with Muggle science. And it's not the point here! You are pregnant and you just told me it happened without another party involved!"  
  
Severus snorted. "I did no such thing."  
  
She looked at him confusedly for a moment then understanding dawned in her eyes. "Severus, I cannot let you lie about this!"  
  
"I could have kept it from you, couldn't I?"  
  
"You don't understand what you're asking me!"  
  
"Do you understand what you are asking me?"  
  
And she did agree to lie. His eyes had been her downfall. She had put up a fight but Severus' eyes had held a vulnerability she had never seen before, except perhaps when he'd first been brought to the Infirmary soaking wet and shivering. He'd been small for his age without adding the fact that he'd started one year ahead and easy prey. There had followed several more visits, one more serious than the other but the small boy's eyes had shone with rage and not that initial confusion and helplessness.  
  
Pomfrey knew that supposing she could discuss what she had just agreed to do, her friends would think her mad to be risking her licence for Severus Snape. Perhaps she was but in any case she did not have that many years ahead of her before she retired anyway.  
  
She urged Snape to think long and hard about this and make sure it was what he wanted.  
  
"A child is a great responsibility. It will change your life completely. And…" she cleared her throat. "Don't get this the wrong way but… you've given me the impression that you don't like children very much…"  
  
"Other people's children!" he hissed.  
  
The mediwitch sighed. "Fine. There is only one more thing I'll ask of you. You have to tell the Headmaster. All faculty members are obliged to do so when they…"  
  
"Don't say it again!"  
  
Pomfrey rolled her eyes. "There you go! You won't even say the word and yet you want to go through with this! There will be no turning back after a few weeks…" her voice trailed off. These long fingers were laced over is abdomen. "At least say the words, Severus," she pleaded.  
  
Snape sighed. "I am…"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm pregnant," he murmured.  
  
"Again."  
  
He shot her a withering glance then looked at the ceiling giving out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"I am…" his expression softened, "pregnant," he whispered with awe then did something that made everything alright in the world for Poppy Pomfrey. He smiled a real smile achieving a rare moment of true… beauty, there was no other word.  
  
He quickly banished that smile under Pomfrey's suspiciously shiny stare.  
  
"There, I said it, satisfied? Or do you want me to shout it from the rooftops?"  
  
"No. Telling Dumbledore will be enough."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"If not now, when? When you're as big as a house?"  
  
He winced at the image. "I'll tell him tomorrow," he muttered.  
  
"Make sure you do that. It's bad enough that I'm risking my licence here. I'd rather not have Dumbledore skin me alive."  
  
"I appreciate what you're doing." Sincerity sounded almost foreign from a Slytherin's mouth.  
  
"As long as you understand what you're getting into," she said, her voice hoarse with emotion.  
  
"I survived Voldemort. Twice. This… thing that is happening to me now… I'll admit, it scares me more but give me some credit! I'll cope."  
  
Pomfrey squeezed his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll make a fine… parent."  
  
Severus snorted. "I personally don't see what led you to such a conclusion but thank you for your kind words."  
  
Her hand left his shoulder to tuck an errant strand behind his ear, exercising a rare privilege. Most people would cringe at the thought of touching the seemingly greasy mass but Pomfrey knew well that Severus' hair felt sleek and soft as a cat's fur. It was the evidence of a Veela's existence in Severus' family tree, in fact the same Veela who had given the Malfoys their silver-blond hair.  
  
There was little chance of getting a purr from the Potions Master so she retired her hand with a sheepish smile.  
  
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself there."  
  
Severus shot her a glance that expressly stated that only because it was her she'd gotten away with it but should not make a habit out of it.  
  
Tomorrow came sooner than Severus would have preferred. Preoccupied with his upcoming meeting with Dumbledore he'd been less of his sarcastic self to his morning class. And when he let the group of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff first years go fifteen minutes earlier the children had been left staring at him as though he'd sprouted an extra head.  
  
Fawkes greeted him with his usual indifference bordering on hostility which Severus infinitely preferred to the bird's inexplicable adoration for him right after its rebirth. Severus would make sure to avoid the Headmaster's office at those times lest he be showered by tiny, feathery affection.  
  
After a glance around the office produced no Dumbledore, Severus turned to leave inwardly breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, my boy. How can I help you?"  
  
Snape turned. Against his will he returned a fainter version of Dumbledore's smile. Because this was Dumbledore. The man who had seen him at his best and at his worst. Mostly the latter. His only port in the many storms of his life.  
  
"Headmaster," he began, "there is a situation of which I need to appraise you according to school regulations."  
  
"Let's sit down first," Dumbledore said jovially, countering Snape's formal tones.  
  
They settled in Dumbledore's comfortable high-backed chairs. As always, Severus accepted the tea graciously and declined the assortment of sweets that were offered with it.  
  
"I'm listening, Severus."  
  
"Well, this situation has to do with… my health in a way."  
  
Hesitation from his usually blunt Head of Slytherin worried the Headmaster. "Your health?" He repeated. "Are you sick?"  
  
"Not exactly." The Potion's Master kept his eyes on his half drank cup of tea.  
  
"I don't understand. I heard that you were accidentally cursed a while back but from what I gathered it was not very serious, was it?"  
  
"Yes. I mean no. Not life-threatening but rather serious," he murmured.  
  
"You're not still suffering from it, are you?" Dumbledore's tone told Severus that the Headmaster knew perfectly well exactly which curse had hit him. The realisation brought a pink hue to his cheeks. He set down his cup and folded his arms on his lap blocking the Headmaster's gaze which seemed to have landed exactly on the part of Severus' body that the curse had affected.  
  
"There has been a complication."  
  
"A complication of which according to school regulations you have to inform me?"  
  
"Yes." Severus' voice was strained. You know, you guessed, he thought. Don't make me say it.  
  
"I'm listening."  
  
"Imprehan"  
  
"Pardon me?"  
  
Severus stood up. "I am pregnant," he enunciated clearly. "No more than three weeks gone since it is the total of time I have been equipped with a womb. The child is expected in July which means that around the end of this school year you're going to have to find someone to temporarily replace me. If you'll excuse me now, I have a class to prepare."  
  
"Sit down, Severus." Dumbledore did not raise his voice. He didn't have to.i If only the students who tremble before him could see him now/i, he thought as the Potions Master meekly sat down again. Dumbledore took a sip of his tea. He set the cup down slowly. "How did that happen?"  
  
"I doubt that I have to talk to you about the birds and the bees."  
  
"So you're telling me that this child was conceived through sexual intercourse?"  
  
"What else?" Severus said through gritted teeth.  
  
"Don't lie to me."  
  
"I have no choice."  
  
Dumbledore drew in a sharp breath. "Then you know that this is illegal," he said gravely.  
  
Severus passed a shaky hand over his face. "I'm surprised that you know. Poppy said it was a very rare occurrence."  
  
"My father was a member of the Wizard Council that drafted the law against asexual reproduction. Not his shiniest moment, I may add."  
  
"Asexual…" whispered Severus. "How well you know me…"  
  
The Headmaster's warm hand covered his former student's. Equally warm blue eyes searched his. "You did not try to make this happen, did you?"  
  
"Why, of course. I love myself so much that I jumped at the chance to duplicate me."  
  
Dumbledore shook his head ruefully. "There's no need for sarcasm," he admonished gently.  
  
Severus pursed his lips. "It was an accident. I'd rather not get into intricate details."  
  
"You don't have to." Dumbledore stroke his beard thoughtfully. "This is not common knowledge but the Ministry investigates male pregnancies. Occasionally female too when the use of the Hermaphroditus is suspected."  
  
"Male pregnancies?"  
  
"Under the new law allowing same sex marriages there are homosexual couples that opt for the use of the Hermaphroditus to procreate. It works in perhaps 1 out of 10 cases. And very few men decide to try it as it is because of the pain a male pregnancy involves." He examined Severus' expression. "I see that Poppy did not tell you about that."  
  
"Pain doesn't scare me."  
  
Dumbledore sighed. "Yes. I know that well."  
  
"What will the Ministry investigation involve?"  
  
"Mainly, you will be asked to reveal the name of the father. Well… the other father."  
  
"Can they make me do that?"  
  
"I believe you already know the answer to that question." The older wizard sighed. "The Ministry is far from perfect. No one has revised this particular law, Severus. In our century only around 6 cases were investigated. It was proven that asexual reproduction had not taken place."  
  
"Proven?" Severus raised a questioning eyebrow.  
  
"Well, at least the wizards and witch in one case could point at someone and say: He's the father."  
  
"Weren't the children examined?"  
  
"I suppose they were."  
  
"This violates my basic wizard rights, Albus," the raven haired man said bitterly.  
  
"Do you want to be part of a groundbreaking case that will change the law and make you a household name in the wizard world?"  
  
Severus gave out a harsh laugh. "A household joke, you mean. And my child a freak. No, I will leave the heroics to the next sod who will get himself pregnant."  
  
"Then you will have to give them a name."  
  
"No trouble. I'm sure that someone among my scores of friends will be happy to help."  
  
"Severus…"  
  
The Potion's Master raised his hand. "I've had enough, for now, please. I'll think of someone."  
  
"You'll pay someone?"  
  
"If I decide to commit perjury in a Ministry of Magic investigation it is my problem and the problem of whoever I choose to involve. You don't have to come into it at all."  
  
"I doubt that my testimony would be ignored."  
  
"Your testimony?" Severus stared at Dumbledore wide-eyed. He was sure he must have misunderstood him.  
  
"We will go together and register this pregnancy. Unless you truly have someone else in mind."  
  
Severus sprang to his feet. "Albus, I can't let you do this!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I… I see you like a father. The thought of… this… with you. And it's not just how I feel… What about your reputation? Who will respect you once this becomes public knowledge?"  
  
"The Ministry is obliged to treat the information…"  
  
"We both know how these things have a way of coming out!" Severus cut off Dumbledore. He sounded near-hysterical. "I will not allow you to do this to yourself… to the school! I cannot!"  
  
"Please sit down, you shouldn't be getting upset in your condition."  
  
"Don't you start with my condition!" Snape pointed his finger at the Headmaster.  
  
"You decided to keep the child, Severus. You are alone. You are going to need all the help you can get."  
  
"What about all those Ministry paperpushers laughing behind your back?"  
  
Dumbledore got up and approached the younger man. He reached and tentatively touched Severus' shoulder. "They will not bother me. And they shouldn't bother you either." he said softly, staring into the Slytherin's eyes. "You're such a mystery, still," he murmured. "I could never imagine that you would want to keep the child."  
  
Snape swallowed hard. "I suppose he will not be very happy with me when he sees the nose, the skin colour and that… infuriating hair."  
  
"And the keen intellect, the courage, the wit… all the qualities you hide far too well from most people."  
  
Severus made a dismissing gesture.  
  
"Another Severus," Dumbledore murmured staring at Snape's flat abdomen. "He will be a sight to behold."  
  
"He will be happy. And loved. He'll have a real chance."  
  
"You cannot undo all the harm that was done to you, my boy. You cannot live again through this child."  
  
"I'll know how to treat him. How he is… inside. I know that I'm not making much sense."  
  
"Of course you are."  
  
Severus looked at his clock. "It's late," he murmured though his sight was blurry and couldn't really see what time it was. "I think I'd better be going."  
  
Registering his pregnancy at the Ministry of Magic had not been one of Severus Snape's best moments. Most of the time it was only Dumbledore's painful grip on his hand that had stopped him from giving acid retorts to the various intrusive questions he had been asked. The Headmaster had also blocked a hex midway from a particularly rude blond witch who had no idea how close she'd gotten as she'd buried her long nose back in her papers. Dumbledore had put it down to Severus' pregnancy making him more irate than usual but the truth was that it was just Severus being his usual bad- tempered self.  
  
Back at Hogwarts the Headmaster had even been able to laugh about what had happened no longer forced to scold Severus for his childish behaviour.  
  
The months passed quicker than anyone would expect. Snape would suddenly disappear from breakfast or not show up at all most mornings the first three months. Dumbledore knew better than to even offer him a sweet he would refuse anyway. Especially chocolate frogs. The mere sight of them would send Severus to the bathroom heaving.  
  
Pomfrey was pleased with how the pregnancy was going. She had given Snape strict orders and he seemed to be following them. Potions had become less of an ordeal for the children as a result. Less complicated potions, not hovering above them, hardly getting off his chair, in fact. Except when he would be jumping up from his seat and getting out with a murmured "I'll be back in a few minutes, try not to blow up the place," off to be sick the first few months and later to relieve his bladder which seemed to need to be emptied every ten minutes, or so.  
  
In his fifth month he had started to really show. His increasingly more roomy robes would not cut it for much longer. He could feel movement by then. Much more certain movement than the little twinges he'd gotten before. He felt a head, tiny feet, tiny hands. And Neville Longbottom along with his entire class of fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors had had the shock of their lives when instead of yelling at Neville for producing a toxic purple concoction instead of the simple clear tonic he'd had them prepare, he clutched his stomach and stared at them all with a strange expression. No one had been able to identify said expression as a smile mixed as it was with a grimace of pain since Junior had picked that particular moment to kick Severus' liver. All they knew was that they had never seen it before and that could mean real trouble.  
  
Bursting in tears at Hagrid dog's funeral had truly done it for Severus. Luckily the half-giant had hid him from sight in a bear hug that the Slytherin feared must have smothered baby Severus. Half the school had been there and most students and teachers stared at him with compassion once that big oaf had finally released him. Indeed, a dog funeral? Him sobbing over an idiotic dog he had never liked? What came next? What if he started weeping in class over a melted cauldron or something equally ridiculous? He made an appointment to see the Headmaster the following morning so they could go over a list of possible replacements.  
  
Pomfrey had wanted to see him before he met with Dumbledore. He tried to smooth down the front of his robes pressing against painfully hardened nubs. He was sure he knew the answer to the question he was going to ask Poppy.  
  
"Please tell me that I'm not growing breasts."  
  
"Alright. If it makes you feel better, you're not growing breasts."  
  
He groaned. "Why now?"  
  
"Your body is preparing itself to feed your baby."  
  
"Couldn't my body wait until the end of term? I can't leave right now and the brats will probably notice their Potions Master turning into a cow."  
  
"I doubt that the breasts will get that big, Severus," Poppy said suppressing a chuckle.  
  
And Snape sighed before yet another indignity.  
  
He accepted Dumbledore's choice for a temporary replacement with a sulk. The wizard was a former Gryffindor, green behind the ears but it was the best they could hope for for the moment. He ducked to avoid a tiny featherball who seemed determined to nibble on his ear. Finally he let Fawkes sit on his shoulder where he seemed truly content.  
  
"I wish you'd told me that that insane bird of yours had only been reborn a week ago."  
  
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I'm sorry. It must have slipped my mind."  
  
Severus rolled his eyes.  
  
"Are you sure about leaving?"  
  
"Yes. I'm afraid I must. The students are beginning to suspect."  
  
"I wish you would reconsider my offer and stay here."  
  
"Hidden for four months? I'll go insane, Albus. Don't worry about me. The country air will do me good."  
  
Pomfrey had already apparated to him two times and both had turned out to be false alarms. The third was a charm though. She had ordered around Severus' extremely efficient house elves and delivered a healthy six pound boy – what else – that she placed in the arms of an exhausted but radiant man that bore a passing resemblance to a certain Potions Master she used to know. Dumbledore had been pacing around outside Severus' bedroom suckling on sweet after sweet and trying not to cringe at the sound of just how much pain his former student appeared to be on.  
  
Come the beginning of the next academic year, Snape had shown himself at the school in the company of two elves and one mysterious bundle. Students burning with curiosity were miffed. Soon rumours sprang out about the bundle being a baby that Pomfrey and Dumbledore had been seen cooing to under Snape's mildly disapproving gaze. The initiator of said rumour had been ridiculed. The rumour of the bundle being a new and exciting snake had been adopted instead. This was Snape, after all.  
  
The End 


End file.
